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DEPRESSED
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck
To: The Spoiled - UNDER 30 Crowd
(If you are 50 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!)
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up, what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... Uphill BOTH ways, yada, yada, yada. And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be - your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only, like,15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little have-it-alls.
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire... Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled!!!!!!!!!
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1965!
Regards,
The Over 50 Crowd
Crusty Old Biker - compliments of Tom
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER.......................$1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH..............$2.50
HAND JOB..........................$1000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving
drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands real good, I want a cheeseburger."
A Political Riddle - compliments of Tom
On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen
Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so
smoothly?"
"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent
ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?"
You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a
button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair
arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not
your brother. Who was this child?"
Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."
President Bush went back to Washington and called in
Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the
answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not
your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine
the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this
for awhile?"
"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the
answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House staff, and
asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many
suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite
upset, not knowing what he would tell the President. As Rove was
walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State
Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you
answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not
your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove. "You may just have saved me my job!"
So Rove went into the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think
I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush. "The child was Tony Blair!"
BURNING QUESTIONS I received via email.
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool Lane?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Have you ever noticed that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place? ;-)
A few of my favorite Q and A from the Original Hollywood Squares TV Show
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Kids Say the Darnest Things – compliments of Floyd
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one
for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't
give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why
is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what
was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt." ;Concerned, James asked: "What
happened to the flea?"
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven
and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but
dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in
her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS – compliments of Pat
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
4. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah, b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith, and c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as some adults enjoy adultery?
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;
then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks,
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use - toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for them while they deliver the mail?
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
19 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
22. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?
23. "Is calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist".
Subject: Searching - compliments of Elston
One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side
and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, " I found the remote!"
Well I'll Be! - compliments of Cuz Pat
A redneck family from the hills were visiting the city, and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's that?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy................... go git cha momma!"
More Jokes about 'Ol Folks - Compliments of Cuz Pat
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. He went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
-----
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
---
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
---
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
---
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up fro m his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"
---
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
---
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
---
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
---
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful' "
--- (Last one)
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
SENIOR PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT
A couple in their 80's were about to get married. She said: "I want to
keep my house."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "And I want to keep my Cadillac."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "And I want to have sex six times a week."
He said: "That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays."
Questions for those age 50+
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50 + year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these!"
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
11. WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.
Subject: Clean can be funny – from Floyd via email
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he
tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said "Just get out."
****** ********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband
********************* *****************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card
with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read
it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God,"
said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in s ome more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have
you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to
salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong
with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband
calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm
driving."
**************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him
a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his
second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army
dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a
jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
**************************************************
TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFFS....
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all the beer.
_________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
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CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am worried that my wet fart will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
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CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like substance to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
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CHILI # 8 BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN ASS CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Brass Monkey - from Floyd via email
It was necessary to keep a good supply of canon balls near the cannon on
war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the
problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square
based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine,
which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be
stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate
with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate was made
of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the
rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster
than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too
far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon
balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally,
cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time,
you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you?
Living Will - from Pat via email
While I was watching baseball this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, drug me off the couch, unplugged the TV, and dumped out my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
Skinny Dipping in a Farm Pond - from Bev via email
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large
pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up
nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
trees.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.
Moral: Some old men can still think fast.
Harold the Computer Guy – from Tom via email
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold,
the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of
buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a
minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired,
"An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
You have to respect those old fighter pilots - from Floyd via email
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two
people show up. One is a good looking, older retired
F-100 pilot in his sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to
sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're
history Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a
gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and
steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About half way there, she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her
and starts licking her feet and ankles. He
continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes
and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old pilot replies, "No problem, just get
that damn lion out of the way."
The Water Pistol – from Dave via email
When my 3-year old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not pleased and said to my mom, "I surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and replied, "Oh yes, I remember very well."Life After Death – from Dave via email
Life After Death - from Dave via email
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked a recently hired employee.
"Yes, of course," replied the employee.
"Well, then that’s makes everything just fine, replied the boss. "Not long after you left early yesterday to attend your grandmother’s funeral she stopped in to see you."
How Old is Really Old? - from Tom via email.
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with water because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."
Have a great week!!!!!!
Apparently, men have better friends! – from Elston via email
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Redneck Strikes Back – from Tom via email
Two businessmen in Louisville, KY are sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store ... as yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few
shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some redneck is going to walk
by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
local walks to the window, has a peek and asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling Ass-holes here."
Without skipping a beat, the redneck says, "Well, I see y'all're doing
really good, you only got two left!"
The Price of Gas is so High That … from Dave via email
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Kids are smarter than we think – from Bev via email
A mother was driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a
play date when the little girl asked "Mommy," how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the Mother replied
sweetly. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl said, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the Mother said, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal
questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asked, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" Mom said as her
daughter is getting out of the car.
The exasperated Mother drove away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl said to her
friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl said to her mother, "I know how old you
are. You are 32."
The mother was very surprised and asked, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The Mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did
you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She said, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
Testimony at Church – via email from Bev.
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony
Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday
morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared
her soul to the enrapt congregation:
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my
husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike,
lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to
the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he
suffered was a broken scrotum." The congregation gasped in horror. The men
in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble
breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food.
He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has
missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold
them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all,
we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in
constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but
slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the
congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum
will soon heal and be as good as new." A dull murmur erupted within the
congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and
the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought
that, "there but for the grace of God go I." Then, as the murmuring
settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation,
worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the
microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:
"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.
That word is: STERNUM!"
You may be from the Northwest if:1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats rather than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon..
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," & "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud over.
20. You note, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost winter, winter, still raining
(spring), road construction (summer), deer & elk season (fall).
30. You actually understood these jokes.
Beware of older Women – from Gary via email.
I met an older woman at the club last night. She was OK for 57.
We drank a little, had a bit of a dance, when she asked, "Have you ever had the sportsman's double; a mother and daughter at the same time?"
I replied, No, I have never been so fortunate."
We drank a little more, then she said, "Tonight is your lucky night!"
We went to her place, where she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs,
"MOM, ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?"
Gas Prices and Illegal Immigrants – from Pat via email.
My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal
immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal
immigrants or not, etc.
Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the
Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve
the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper
than buying gas. Then I pay them in pesos so they have to go home to spend it.
I love it when a plan comes together…….!
Government Inspector – from Gary via email.
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked
with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm." The
old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."
The Agriculture representative said, "Mr., I have the authority of the U. S.
Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go
WHEREVER I wish on any agricultural land no questions asked or answered. Do you
understand?"
The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard
loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture Rep running for the fence
and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was madder
than a nest full of hornets. The bull was gaining on the Rep at every step.
The Old farmer called out, "Show him your card!! Show him your card!!" Students vs. Professor – from Betty via email.
There were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had "A's" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying; they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.
They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved they studied that night for the exam.
The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy...then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points:
Which tire? ______________________________________
A Very Good Ole Joke – from Don via email.
Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole, how about
Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yeah Sure, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and, sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Ole! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was just
lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Ole says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yeah Sure, ya bet," Ole says. "I know him."
His boss states, "If you can prove that you know him I'll fly out to
Washington to see him." And off they go.
At the White House, President Bush spots Ole on the tour and motions
him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise. I was just on my
way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup
of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who
again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Oh, ya!" says Ole. "I've known the Pope a long time."
Again the unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says, "This will
never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you
what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs, and I'll come out
on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed toward
the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later, Ole emerges with the Pope
on the balcony.
By the time Ole returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Ole
asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's
that on the balcony with Ole?'
Mormon and Irishman in Flight – from Don via email
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After
the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and
placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper ? Groceries are heavier . And,
everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded
to discover how long our street has become! This extension work was apparently done
at night !! Very sneaky stuff..
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters.
They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep
Repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they ' re red in
the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the hand,
people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day,
and she has aged so much that she didn ' t even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection ........Well, REALLY NOW-
even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You ' re risking life and
limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is,
their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve
in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they
suddenly start labeling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as ' extra
large? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and neck?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in
reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck!
I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I ' d like to call up someone in authority to report what ' s going on -- but
the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they ' ve printed the phone
books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
Finally, who the h*** is causing the size of type on my computer monitor to get smaller?
No Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they
lived happily ever after in Toronto However, the poor lady was not
very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her
husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for
groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy
chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in
desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her
thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she
didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and
unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher
understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the
store...
Dramatic Pause …..
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's
lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in! Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 18 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.
Short Leather Skirt - from a Canadian friend.
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for the bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the
height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,she
eached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take
the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her
to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted
the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. A large Texan
who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we
was friends."
Quick Reading Test - from Bev's pen pal in Australia via email.
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is person cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet
Two Brooms - from Tom via an email.
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy...even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Water Pistol – from Dave via email
When my 3-year old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not pleased and said to my mom, "I surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and replied, "Oh yes, I remember very well."
Life After Death – from Dave via email
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked a recently hired employee.
"Yes, of course," replied the employee.
"Well, then that’s makes everything just fine, replied the boss. "Not long after you left early yesterday to attend your grandmother’s funeral she stopped in to see you."
Limo Driver – from Bev via email
A passenger in a Limo leaned forward to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus and
then drove up over the curb.
For a few moments everything was silent in the car, and then the
still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he
hadn't realized a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a limo. I've been driving a hearse for the
last 23 years..."
Tough Biker – from Bev via email.
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your Grandma's' house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your Grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says..........
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk
Cruise Ship Passenger’s Diary – from Bev via email.
DEAR DIARY -- DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited!
DEAR DIARY -- DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. At first, I was upset that my boyfriend had to cancel. It's just me and the other couple. I hate being the third wheel. Happily, I'm actually enjoying having time alone What a wonderful vacation this has started to be! I met the captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY -- DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY -- DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino. Did all right. Won about $80. The captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my boyfriend.
DEAR DIARY - DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship!
I was appalled. What an animal!
DEAR DIARY -- DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today.........twice
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